“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.”

– Dale Carnegie

Having conversations with people is always fun. Well ok, maybe not every single conversation is the most riveting. You always have to go through a bit of small talk before the fun starts, and I find that is true even with close friends. Nonetheless, chatting with others is an important part of the human experience. Whether it be dinner parties, game nights, coffee dates, or any other social function, talking and connecting with others is one of the things I enjoy most about life. I imagine this is the same from pretty much everyone. Of course there are introverts and extraverts, but even introverts like talking to people, though normally only to people that they already know and like. There is something refreshing about being able to bounce ideas off of someone who is trusted and loved.

Conversation is a dance. I have said this for many years, and I don’t know if it’s an original or something I have stolen from the internet. Either way, it’s true. Talking with others is always a dance. You have to balance talking about yourself, asking questions, responding to your dance partner’s question, cracking jokes, laughing, and not forgetting to be interested in the other person. All in all, conversation can be a lot of work. Though it usually starts with small talk. This is where cultural differences can be more pronounced. Germans I know really hate small talk, or they at least hate the idea of small talk. The funny thing is, they enter into small talk just as much as any one else. It is just that they expect that it will go deeper, otherwise they might not even start. Whereas in America you could have a pleasant conversation with someone at a grocery store for a minute or two that never leaves the realm of surface level interaction. Some seem to think that these are the only types of conversations that happen in America, which is false, but funny to think about.

Complaining often takes a central role in conversation. Complaining about the weather is probably as old as mankind itself. In fact, I would bet the first thing that Adam and Eve talked about outside of Eden was likely a complaint about the temperature. Complaining can be nice because it allows us to decompress and blow off a bit of steam with each other, especially if the complaints are mutual. Any sane person likes sunny days with a pleasant temperature. Snow in Winter is also a great combination. This makes mutual feelings regarding weather easy enough to come by. There can be other complaints too. Traffic and the time it took to get to wherever you are now is also a classic. Though, some people don’t get the memo that complaining should eventually stop.

Chronic complainers are unfortunately not rare, which makes the problem probably a bit more hidden then it probably should be. Even worse still, the church is in no way or shape immune to this issue. I have met my fair share of chronic complainers in every church I’ve ever been at. Anecdotally, I probably would say that the percentage of chronic complainers is lower in Christian settings than in secular settings, but it’s never zero. What is a chronic complainer? Maybe you yourself know one, maybe you are one. For my money, a chronic complainer is someone who talks more about what annoys them than what brings them joy. It could be that they always complain about the weather, or their job, their family, or maybe even politics. No matter what the context is, the glass is always half empty to them.

The issue with chronic complainers is that they really bring the mood down everywhere they go. It is like a dark and dreary cloud follows them around constantly. They might have friends, and they may even be well liked, but the vibe is always made more on edge and depressing when they are around. Because there are so many of these types, it is often hard to realize when they are around. But if you back up and out of a conversation a bit and if you look at others through a sociological lens, it’s hard to miss. Others may be trying to share their favorite movies, foods, songs, etc and on cue, the chronic complainer jumps in and explains why the previously revealed item is bad, actually. And usually this complaint is never without a logical explanation, or at the very minimum a loud one.

As a sociological experiment, I really recommend doing this. Next time you are in a larger group setting, focus on what types of things everyone is talking about. How do they respond? Who is staying mostly positive, and who are the chronic complainers of the group? I have enjoyed doing this recently, and while it might make social settings feel a little bit like a case study, it is at least fun for a time. Plus, you might find out the chronic complainer is you. I have unfortunately had my phases of being the chronic complainer, and it really is tragic to be the one who makes everyone revel in your misery and pessimism. So if this you, stop it, get some help.

To be fair to our dejected interlocutors, there are many complaints that are valid. And if nobody mentions the things that are going wrong, then nothing will ever be fixed. This is the motto at least. The biggest ticket item that seems to many to be worthy of all derision and protest is of course politics. Good old politics is the gift that keeps on giving. It seems impossible for anyone to avoid the subject. If there is anyone out there who is apolitical or uninformed, I tip my hat to you, keep up the good work.

When the evening gets late, and especially when alcohol gets involved, the subject is truly impossible to avoid. And paradoxically, the more you know that someone agrees with you, the more likely you are to bring up the topic. This can be another one of those common complaints. And yet, even in the Christian world, complaints and disagreements about the other person’s complaints and disagreements often arise. This is often where the fun begins. It is nice to know that you have the same core principles and values as the other person, it makes the discussion more civilized and less toxic. If you think your dance partner hates you and wants you dead, then you’re probably not going to want to tango.

All the same, politics can still be a difficult topic to discuss rationally and safely, especially in a big group. Because emotions are involved, one wrong phrase may lead the other to shut down, or to verbally attack. As I have recently tried to look at group conversations more analytically, I have noticed something. Namely that politics becomes emotional and deep nearly every time it is discussed. It is not cold and rational, it is always intertwined with emotion. And in my experience it doesn’t matter if the people involved are super intellectual or not, everyone falls into this trap on some level. We could just leave this here, politics get emotional, which isn’t a shocker. But I wonder why is it that we talk about politics so much? Because on the face of it, it does not make any sense.

You don’t have any real influence. To be fair, neither do I. You or I could go to Washington or Berlin and scream about some issue until we are blue in the face, and it wouldn’t make a lick of difference. I have been in conversations recently that have been about capitalism, welfare, immigration, prostitution, feminism, and so on. They have been good and intense, with a lot of great ideas on both sides, and yet I can’t shake the feeling that it is all so pointless. Culture war issues especially seem to be the biggest waste of time. It is rare that things are put to a referendum, and I don’t know about you, but it is not often I am able to convince others of an opposing position. Though futile, many people will alienate their friends, family, and neighbors for believing something different. Which is essentially a type of heresy test. The shunning doesn’t happen because the person did something bad, it is just because they believe something that is verboten. What you believe does impact your life, but the average person is not that different to the next guy.

The thing is, we could have influence and real influence at that. Running for the school board, for the city council, or for any other position in local politics would make a difference. You could help out your community, and yet you don’t and likely won’t. Mostly because it is less glamorous. If you were in the city council you would have to decide about infrastructure and budgets. It would be a lot of spreadsheets and reading documents. You wouldn’t be able to enforce remigration, nor would you be able to tear down the capitalist system. In a lot of ways, politics is no different than the weather. Everyone loves to complain about it, but there is nothing we can do to change it.

I watched a YouTube video essay years ago that said that the likelihood of an unpopular bill getting passed is around thirty percent. It went on to claim that the likelihood of an extremely popular bill getting passed is also around thirty percent. They claimed that the only real deciding factor on whether something got passed was if the elites, politicians, and the billionaire class supported it. And honestly, I believe it completely. It so often feels like no matter who is in charge or who wins the election, things never meaningfully change for the better. It doesn’t matter if your guy won the election or not, things seem to just be getting worse for everyone, with only occasionally bright spots.

The rich keep getting richer and everyone upper middle class and under keeps getting poorer. We should be a lot more tolerant of our fellow man. I am not saying that it is necessarily us versus the elites, or the workers versus the bourgeoisie. But getting emotional and hating the average joe over culture war issues seems kind of silly.

The inevitable question is then, should we even have these types of conversations? If the average person will never have any political influence, is it even worth talking about the inter working of taxes or foreign policy? In a nihilistic sense, no. There isn’t any worth in talking about things you can’t change. However, this is a little too pessimistic for my taste. Plus, the butterfly effect has a role to play. You or I may never sit in a seat of power, but ideas regarding what the people want in society have to start somewhere. If we never talk about current events, then we would be giving those in Washington and Berlin a carte blanche, and that is never a good idea. It is probably worth continuing to have these conversations, but maybe with a little more grace for those who disagree with you.

It isn’t lost on me that I spent some of your precious moments on this great and beautiful earth to complain about complainers and reminding us all that the problems facing society in the current year are very difficult to solve and nobody with the power to solve them has any interest in doing so. Regardless, it is an honor and a privilege to be able to chat with other people, and I don’t think you should forget that. You can have such a greater influence on your friends, family, and church than you really know.

Soli Deo gloria.

“The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.” – 1 Timothy 1:15-17 (ESV)